I've been waiting a long time for this but I'm officially in menopause. It's been about 4 months since I've had a period. All of this other stuff I've been writing about has been associated with "peri-menopause" which could (and did) go on for a number of years. I can tell that my body is going through some major change in these last few months. Some very unexpected changes - even with as much preparation as I've had!
Here's something very unexpected. I am 100% SERIOUSLY CERTAIN that there isn't a bone in my body that would want to have a child at this age. However, during these last few months as my hormones shift and my body ceases to have a monthly period, in my dreams I hold a baby in my arms. I see my daughter when she was very little, I rock her, I am stroking her hair, I see her as a young child again and I awaken with a feeling of mourning. Something/someone inside of me is grieving the loss of the ability to create a child from my womb. I'm quite surprised. I have heard other women say that they experience this but my thoughts previous to my own experience were always something like "Oh come on, you've got to be kidding!!" But now I understand.
It's autumn. I recently posted a picture of myself on Facebook with my significant other enjoying a walk in the woods. My daughter called me and we talked for a while. This morning I awoke after another one of my dreams and I recalled her words over the phone. "Mom, we look so much alike in that picture!" ... and the tears started to flow. Like autumn leaves, my tears fell. And without judgement I let myself just be with this part of my body that is so wise. I can only honor the someone/something inside me that recognizes that my body is closing a door and opening a new one. I honor her process, I give her my support, I listen and I allow her to grieve. She is very real. I assure her that there will be other babies to hold and rock but they will be my daughter's babies. And that's a good thing!
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3 comments:
thanks for your thoughts. I was at the gynecologist today for a checkup. I'm going through peri-menopause. I noticed (as I'm waiting for the doctor to come in the examining room) that there were numerous pamphlets on the wall about pregnancy. Pregnancy brings about (usually) happy and exciting emotions. What do we do about menopause, not much excitement there! It's good to hear from other women.
Oh, You're welcome.
Nice post. We are looking into bio-familiar hormone pellets as a service to offer our patients. What experience, if any, do you have with them?
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